This query-mo-beel is taking shape. We’re cruising at mach 8 toward planet publication (ar at least its docking station–anchorage agent). We have already added details that increase the stakes, revealed something about the character arc, and deepened the obstacles. Oh yeah….feeling that Hugo nomination yet? Well, we’re still not done!

Now, we’re going to punch-ify our generic verbs. But first, let’s bolden (is that a word??) all the verbs in our query:

Tommy the goat is the youngest of three brothers. Long considered the “runt” of the family, it is a surprise he is the only brother who finds a woman who loves him. When his wife gives birth to a baby boy, he dreams of teaching him to trim his goatee. Yet when Bibbledy-Basty McFladigan, the neighborhood troll sets their meadow on fire, Tommy and his infant son’s very existence is threatened.

Driven to protect his son, Tommy must convince his older brothers and his village to cross the bridge that will lead them to another pasture. Yet his brothers refuse to embark on the two week journey across mountains, snake-filled rivers, and barren landscapes. As they prepare to cross, Bibbledy-Basty kidnaps Tommy’s wife and threatens her life. Either Tommy must forfeit the green meadows and his wife to the troll, or risk his family’s death to save his son from starvation.

Did I miss any?

Now that we’ve got them all highlighted, we’re gonna look to replace “generic” verbs with better ones. And to guide us, let’s consider three questions:

1. Is this verb “passive”?

2. Can I replace this verb with one that reveals character?

3. Can I replace a verb with one that is more precise in meaning?

Is this verb passive?

Let us break for a confession. I wasn’t an English major. (Did someone just gasp?) I studied psychology and statistics. Conventional rules of writing bore me. And the only one about passive voice I ran remember is this–if you can finish your sentence with “by zombies,” you have a sentence with passive voice. (Thanks, Writing Excuses!).

Example:

[Tommy’s]…very existence is threatened. […by zombies…found one!]

Let’s see if we can formulate this so it’s not passive:

Yet Bibbledy-Basty McFladigan, the neighborhood troll sets their meadow on fire, threatening Tommy and his infant son’s very existence.

Saweet. Now we’re talking (er…typing).

Can I replace this verb with one that reveals character?

Let’s find another illustrative sentence, shall we?

Tommy must convince his older brothers (original)

 

Let’s consider some replacements

Tommy demands his older brothers

Tommy commands his older brothers

Tommy begs his older brothers

Tommy persuades his older brothers

Tommy inspires his older brothers

So what sort of person is Tommy? We learned last time, that Tommy is the “runt” of the family. Is he a scrappy runt, or a meek one? Suppose, for the sake of our character arc, he’s a bit of a pansy. Yet at this point in the story, he’s beginning to change into who he’ll become. Maybe he gives a Braveheart-worthy speech (“They may take our lives, but they’ll never take…our meadow!!!”). So, inspires is probably the best verb here. (Though it may require us to modify the query a bit).

3. Can I replace a verb with one that is more precise in meaning?

Another example:

Tommy crossed the bridge (original)

Tommy climbed the bridge

Tommy scaled the bridge

Tommy strolled across the bridge

Tommy inched across the bridge

See how each sentence changes the meaning entirely? So what does Tommy do? Is it a hazardous bridge, filled with slippery moss-covered rocks, steep inclines, and deadly spiders–one that requires scaling? Or is it a gentle overpass above a babbling brook–one he can stroll across? Or perhaps dangers await beneath the shadows, so Tommy has to inch across.

After replacing passive verbs, swapping character-revealing terms, and exchanging meaning-packed words (look at me, using my own advice ;)), here’s our new query (and I’ve added footnotes to comment on how it changes the query–such an academiac’s approach):

As the youngest of three brothers, Tommy accepts1Using “accepts” shows his weakness here. jQuery("#footnote_plugin_tooltip_1").tooltip({ tip: "#footnote_plugin_tooltip_text_1", tipClass: "footnote_tooltip", effect: "fade", fadeOutSpeed: 100, predelay: 400, position: "top right", relative: true, offset: [10, 10] }); his lot as the “runt” of the family. That is, until he stumbles2By using “stumbles,” I’m showing that he views it as a stroke of luck! jQuery("#footnote_plugin_tooltip_2").tooltip({ tip: "#footnote_plugin_tooltip_text_2", tipClass: "footnote_tooltip", effect: "fade", fadeOutSpeed: 100, predelay: 400, position: "top right", relative: true, offset: [10, 10] }); upon a woman who falls for him. When his wife gives birth to a baby boy, he dreams of teaching him to trim his goatee. Yet when Bibbledy-Basty McFladigan, the neighborhood troll incinerates3replacing “sets on fire” with “incinerates,” I now clarify that their meadow is destroyed. jQuery("#footnote_plugin_tooltip_3").tooltip({ tip: "#footnote_plugin_tooltip_text_3", tipClass: "footnote_tooltip", effect: "fade", fadeOutSpeed: 100, predelay: 400, position: "top right", relative: true, offset: [10, 10] }); their meadow, starvation threatens4Passive voice? Gone! jQuery("#footnote_plugin_tooltip_4").tooltip({ tip: "#footnote_plugin_tooltip_text_4", tipClass: "footnote_tooltip", effect: "fade", fadeOutSpeed: 100, predelay: 400, position: "top right", relative: true, offset: [10, 10] }); Tommy’s family and village.

Desperate5Before he was “driven.” But remember, our little Tommy is a bit of a pansy. Now we show what motivates him jQuery("#footnote_plugin_tooltip_5").tooltip({ tip: "#footnote_plugin_tooltip_text_5", tipClass: "footnote_tooltip", effect: "fade", fadeOutSpeed: 100, predelay: 400, position: "top right", relative: true, offset: [10, 10] }); to protect his son, Tommy inspires his older brothers and his village to embark on the two week journey across mountains, snake-filled rivers, and barren landscapes. As they scale the bridge, Bibbledy-Basty kidnaps Tommy’s wife and threatens her life. Either Tommy must forfeit the green meadows and his wife to the troll, or risk his life and his family’s in a fight to the death.6Here, I just clarified the stakes a bit jQuery("#footnote_plugin_tooltip_6").tooltip({ tip: "#footnote_plugin_tooltip_text_6", tipClass: "footnote_tooltip", effect: "fade", fadeOutSpeed: 100, predelay: 400, position: "top right", relative: true, offset: [10, 10] });

Now, we’ve got a query with a lot more punch, a lot more characterization, and a lot more specificity. Happy writing!

Footnotes   [ + ]

1. ↑ Using “accepts” shows his weakness here. 2. ↑ By using “stumbles,” I’m showing that he views it as a stroke of luck! 3. ↑ replacing “sets on fire” with “incinerates,” I now clarify that their meadow is destroyed. 4. ↑ Passive voice? Gone! 5. ↑ Before he was “driven.” But remember, our little Tommy is a bit of a pansy. Now we show what motivates him 6. ↑ Here, I just clarified the stakes a bit function footnote_expand_reference_container() { jQuery("#footnote_references_container").show(); jQuery("#footnote_reference_container_collapse_button").text("-"); } function footnote_collapse_reference_container() { jQuery("#footnote_references_container").hide(); jQuery("#footnote_reference_container_collapse_button").text("+"); } function footnote_expand_collapse_reference_container() { if (jQuery("#footnote_references_container").is(":hidden")) { footnote_expand_reference_container(); } else { footnote_collapse_reference_container(); } } function footnote_moveToAnchor(p_str_TargetID) { footnote_expand_reference_container(); var l_obj_Target = jQuery("#" + p_str_TargetID); if(l_obj_Target.length) { jQuery('html, body').animate({ scrollTop: l_obj_Target.offset().top - window.innerHeight/2 }, 1000); } }

Last we spoke (digitally, that is), we developed the bones from a query template. Now your query is a walking-talking skeleton, with enough form to terrify readers, but not land a book deal. Feeling good yet? Got some direction? Hopefully your informal critique group (those friends, family members, and sentient plants you’re so fond of) has an idea of the main character’s central conflict, goal, and stakes. Now what are we going to do? We’re going to add details, but only if they:

1. Raise the stakes,

2. Reveal the character arc, and/or

3. Show obstacles.

1. Raise the stakes.

We hear that a lot in writing, neh? What do we mean?

Raise the stakes. /rāz T͟Hə stāks/ Sentence. A term used among writing wonks to indicate an escalation of cost associated with the protagonist losing.

 

In non-technical terms, “what does the main character lose if (s)he fails?” A love? A life? A basketball? Tickets to a rodeo? A toe nail? (I hear you gasping already).

Here’s one secret to a great query–the higher the stakes, the better the query. Does that mean lives must be in danger? No! But something meaningful to us and the character must be at stake.

Examples in Literature

What happens if Katniss loses the Hunger Games? Her life, of course. But Suzanne Collins raised the stakes by having her family rely on her success. If Katniss fails, who will take care of Prim? Who will gather food for their family? And what of her budding romance with Gale?

What happens if Harry Potter fails to defeat Valdemort? Harry will die, but of course there’s more than that–muggles will live under the rule of a horrible tyrant, friends and family will be executed, Dumbledore’s death will remain unavenged, and he’d never get to be with that fox Ginny Weasley.

(And I was so going to put an example from the romance genre, but I don’t read romance. Care to comment? with an example?)

Application

So what does that mean for a query? After last post, our query was a bit skimpy. (I did warn you it was the bones of a query). Here’s where we’re going to do–we will add details that raise the stakes. 

Let’s think about how to raise the stakes. Here’s where we left off:

Tommy the goat is the oldest of two older brothers who all enjoy feasting on grass in the meadow. Yet when Bibbledy-Basty McFladigan, the neighborhood troll sets their meadow on fire, Tommy and his two brothers’ very existence is threatened.

Now, Tommy and his brothers embark on a journey across the bridge that will lead them to another pasture. As they attempt to cross, Bibbledy-Basty threatens to eat them. Forced to choose between certain death by starvation and probable death by troll, Tommy must decide whether to face his fears or starve.

How can we make it cost more if Tommy fails to defeat the troll? For one, we can make it so he’s not living for himself anymore. Like Katniss, let’s give him someone who relies on him:

Tommy the goat is a proud new father of who dreams of teaching his baby boy to trim his goatee (you saw that coming, didn’t you?).

Okay…that’s better. How can we raise the stakes even more? Well, why not have the evil troll kidnap his wifey-pooh. Now we’re talking!

As they prepare to cross, Bibbledy-Basty kidnaps Tommy’s wife and threatens her life. Either he must forfeit the green meadows and his wife to the troll, or risk her death to save his son from starvation.

Again, it’s still not good writing, but the stakes are clear.

(As an aside, this example’s a bit contrived. In reality, your novel will already have high stakes and you will simply choose which details will heighten the tension, but you get the idea.)

2. Character arc. Character arc. /ˈkerəktər ärk/ Term. The process of change the main character experiences during the novel.

Put differently–what sort of transformation occurs in the main character?

In addition to conveying what the character’s arc is, we must also convey what resources the MC uses to do that.

Example: Dorothy’s friend the lion is a coward. By the end of the novel, he realizes he’s overcome his cowardice through his propensity to helping Dorothy.

Another way to put it–the character goes from A to B using C.

So what’s our character arc? (Again, this should be known before we write the query). Let’s say, in our story, the MC has always been the youngest, smallest, weakest of the three brothers (point A). By the end, he becomes a leader (point B), using his paternal and familial instincts.

So now, let’s add those details to the query:

Tommy the goat is the youngest of three brothers. Long considered the “runt” of the family, it’s a surprise he’s the only brother who finds a woman who loves him. When his wife gives birth to a baby boy, he dreams of …

 

Cool. That looks good. Now we need to talk about his resources:

Driven to protect his son, Tommy must convince his older brothers and his village to cross the bridge that will lead them to another pasture

 

Nice, dude! (Yep, I’m congratulating myself). At this point, I’m okay with not telling the complete character arc because that will give away the ending. But, we’ve already included details that show elements of his character arc (e.g., he’s actively advocating a journey to the meadow).

3. Convey obstacles

A novel cannot exist without obstacles. Nor can your query work without telling us of the obstacles. We’ve already mentioned some (e.g., the troll stops them from crossing the bridge and holds his wife ransom), but let’s make that agent’s grip on your query letter tighten and tremble with anxiety for you MC!

So…maybe the other meadow is far away. Cool. Obstacle #1–check. And, they have to cross a river filled with deadly snakes. Nice. Obstacle #2–check. And, his brothers keep insisting they go back. Woot woot! Obstacle #3–check. Now let’s put that into our query:

Yet his brothers refuse to embark on the two week journey across mountains, snake-filled rivers, and barren landscapes.

Okay…so I embellished a bit 🙂

Bringing it all together

So now with those details, let’s take a look at our new query:

Tommy the goat is the youngest of three brothers. Long considered the “runt” of the family, it’s a surprise he’s the only brother who finds a woman who loves him. When his wife gives birth to a baby boy, he dreams of teaching him to trim his goatee. Yet when Bibbledy-Basty McFladigan, the neighborhood troll sets their meadow on fire, Tommy and his infant son’s very existence is threatened.

Driven to protect his son, Tommy must convince his older brothers and his village to cross the bridge that will lead them to another pasture. Yet his brothers refuse to embark on the two week journey across mountains, snake-filled rivers, and barren landscapes. As they prepare to cross, Bibbledy-Basty kidnaps Tommy’s wife and threatens her life. Either Tommy must forfeit the green meadows and his wife to the troll, or risk his family’s death to save his son from starvation.

Again, it’s not the best writing, but we’ll worry about that in the next round of revisions when we punch-ify our verbs.

Happy writing!