Tommy the goat is the youngest of three brothers. Long considered the “runt” of the family, it is a surprise he is the only brother who finds a woman who loves him. When his wife gives birth to a baby boy, he dreams of teaching him to trim his goatee. Yet when Bibbledy-Basty McFladigan, the neighborhood troll sets their meadow on fire, Tommy and his infant son’s very existence is threatened.

Driven to protect his son, Tommy must convince his older brothers and his village to cross the bridge that will lead them to another pasture. Yet his brothers refuse to embark on the two week journey across mountains, snake-filled rivers, and barren landscapes. As they prepare to cross, Bibbledy-Basty kidnaps Tommy’s wife and threatens her life. Either Tommy must forfeit the green meadows and his wife to the troll, or risk his family’s death to save his son from starvation.

Did I miss any?

Now that we’ve got them all highlighted, we’re gonna look to replace “generic” verbs with better ones. And to guide us, let’s consider three questions:

Let’s find another illustrative sentence, shall we?

Tommy must convince his older brothers (original)

 

Let’s consider some replacements

Tommy demands his older brothers

Tommy commands his older brothers

Tommy begs his older brothers

Tommy persuades his older brothers

Tommy inspires his older brothers

So what sort of person is Tommy? We learned last time, that Tommy is the “runt” of the family. Is he a scrappy runt, or a meek one? Suppose, for the sake of our character arc, he’s a bit of a pansy. Yet at this point in the story, he’s beginning to change into who he’ll become. Maybe he gives a Braveheart-worthy speech (“They may take our lives, but they’ll never take…our meadow!!!”). So, inspires is probably the best verb here. (Though it may require us to modify the query a bit).

3. Can I replace a verb with one that is more precise in meaning?

Another example:

Tommy crossed the bridge (original)

Tommy climbed the bridge

Tommy scaled the bridge

Tommy strolled across the bridge

Tommy inched across the bridge

See how each sentence changes the meaning entirely? So what does Tommy do? Is it a hazardous bridge, filled with slippery moss-covered rocks, steep inclines, and deadly spiders–one that requires scaling? Or is it a gentle overpass above a babbling brook–one he can stroll across? Or perhaps dangers await beneath the shadows, so Tommy has to inch across.

After replacing passive verbs, swapping character-revealing terms, and exchanging meaning-packed words (look at me, using my own advice ;)), here’s our new query (and I’ve added footnotes to comment on how it changes the query–such an academiac’s approach):

As the youngest of three brothers, Tommy accepts¹Using “accepts” shows his weakness here. his lot as the “runt” of the family. That is, until he stumbles²By using “stumbles,” I’m showing that he views it as a stroke of luck! upon a woman who falls for him. When his wife gives birth to a baby boy, he dreams of teaching him to trim his goatee. Yet when Bibbledy-Basty McFladigan, the neighborhood troll incinerates³replacing “sets on fire” with “incinerates,” I now clarify that their meadow is destroyed. their meadow, starvation threatens⁴Passive voice? Gone! Tommy’s family and village.

Desperate⁵Before he was “driven.” But remember, our little Tommy is a bit of a pansy. Now we show what motivates him to protect his son, Tommy inspires his older brothers and his village to embark on the two week journey across mountains, snake-filled rivers, and barren landscapes. As they scale the bridge, Bibbledy-Basty kidnaps Tommy’s wife and threatens her life. Either Tommy must forfeit the green meadows and his wife to the troll, or risk his life and his family’s in a fight to the death.⁶Here, I just clarified the stakes a bit

Now, we’ve got a query with a lot more punch, a lot more characterization, and a lot more specificity. Happy writing!